Lack of Blogging

Oh how this spring is flying by!!!  I have a list of blogs posts near the computer that keeps on growing.  It will all be out of order at this point but I am guessing that I will just need to post what I have and include the dates so that I don't drive myself crazy getting in "correctly."  That is the problem with being a perfectionist - sometimes I won't even start a project if I know it won't be perfect.  So the next few weeks of catching up will be a therapy of sorts. ;)
 
Still enjoying my new job.  And realizing how much the change in jobs was needed.  I have to admit I still struggle with doubts about whether I am doing a "good job."  But everyone tells me that is normal when starting a new position.  So I am just riding the wave at the moment and seeing where I land.  Day by day.

Lots of pictures of recent kiddo activity to come.  More soon!

New Job

When I made a New Year's Resolution to leap into new directions I didn't anticipate a literal "leap" at work.  I've spent the past year exploring additional opportunities for collaborations on campus.  But my intention was always to stay put and keep some of my effort devoted to a project I was allowed to initiate with great support from primary investigators in 2007/2008.  I've discovered, though, that once you start turning over rocks you never know what you will find . . .

I received a call from a different company at the end of December.  I was a bit taken aback and seriously considered whether it was a good idea to submit an application or not.  After thinking it over, I decided I hadn't had a job interview in 14 years so maybe it was time to test the waters and see what there is beyond academics.

The whole thing just kind of took off. . . there wasn't any snow outside in January but I felt like I was caught in an avalanche.  The phone call forced me start addressing my current job situation.  I had to have some painful and awkward conversations with a quite a bit of disappointment over the fact that academics was not going to work out for me right now.  There were a lot of supportive discussions as well - there are some wonderful folks on campus I adore!  But I literally curled up in bed during an entire weekend, frustrated about my job options.  The next week I got the job offer which made my decisions easier.  It was a solid job offer, stable position, and included a pay increase.  I took the offer.

I'm a strong believer in signs.  There were quite a few signs that indicated this was the right direction right now, even though I couldn't see it at first.  There are two signs that stood out over the rest.  I was sitting in a lecture on campus thinking "I feel like a square peg being shoved into a round hole!  Is this really for me?"  And that was the moment I got the call about the job offer.  The second sign came when we agreed on my start date.  I had asked for March 1st but February 29th worked better for my new employer.  The date that inspired my New Year's Resolution this year...

Ultimately - whether good or bad - I am ready for a change.  I am looking forward to some new and challenging job activities.  And I really liked my new supervisor, boss, and coworkers.  It won't be an easy transition and I am prepared for some bumps in the road.  But for now I am going to focus on the positive and look forward to the new direction!  :)

Brief Update

Um . . . this fall semester is already keeping me uber busy!  I haven't kept up with blogging as usual.  And I pretty much LIVE for every weekend because the weeks are so busy during the day and evenings.  To keep on top of my workload I have inadvertently moved to four 10 hour days M-Th and then I work a half day Friday.  The positive thing about the 10 hour days is that I can bring my work home so I work most of the day, take a break to spend time with the kiddos in the afternoon/evening until they fall asleep, and then I work until my own bedtime.  I don't want to keep up this schedule forever but I am surprised at how I have been able to keep up so far.  It is a delicate balance at best which has been tested the last three weeks with various family member's illnesses (my head cold, big sis' tummy bug, and little man's strep . . . welcome to fall).  We have all been surviving this chaotic final semester of me "going to school."  Countdown continues to December!

Next post will be all cute pictures of the kiddos.  Just had to sneak in a dose of the reality around this crazy household :)

Directions

I know you come to this blog to see the adventures of big sis and little man.  But tonight I had to document some mommy issues.

No surprise, I am trying to strike a balance.  That includes home, work, personal time, and even food/exercise.  The big issue right now is work.  There have been some plans for changes in my work environment that I've known about since last fall.  I knew they were coming but I was actually surprised by my reaction to them.  I have failed to really embrace the opportunities that were offered and my enthusiasm has waned.  At first I thought "you are just scared."  But lately I've really been thinking about how my past hesitations have led to new directions.

As a senior in high school I decided to major in accounting in college.  What?  I am truly a science nerd so I don't know what I was thinking but after just one semester I knew to jump ship and go the science route.  I did so even when my professors discouraged me since I would be too far behind (yeah, I set the curve for that first science class - score one for the science nerd). 

After my sophomore year in college I broke up with a long term boyfriend.  He was a great guy, but I woke up one day and finally knew he wasn't the right guy for me.  For some reason, I didn't change my career plans at the same time (I had chosen physical therapy because the boyfriend was very supportive of that route).  But by the time I was accepted to PT schools I knew it wasn't the right direction again and I took two years off from school to work and figure out my next steps.

I really liked my graduate work in immunology and cancer.  Well, by the end I was really, really tired of being a student but that is pretty much the case for most graduate students.  I stuck around my adviser's lab for a while because I liked my boss, labmates, and the project.  I wish I could have stayed longer however, again, I knew it was time to move on after a couple of years.  I then moved to the project I am on now; a project which I have loved but is not quite the right fit for my training and skills.  A great experience.  A great opportunity.  I have enjoyed it so much that I will continue with a smaller/different role because I think it is important work and I want it to be successful.  But I have that feeling again that it is time to reflect on where I am and where I want to go.  In my current position I got to work with awesome co-workers, experience being a teacher for the first time, and expand my education once more while I worked towards an MPH.  And I am getting excited about what the public health side of that degree really means.

So as I struggle with the right direction for me and explore options I am trying to keep in mind past experiences.  At each point outlined above I stopped and listened to that inner voice that asked "is this what you really want?"  I still don't know the answer to that question.  I just know myself well enough to understand that when I hesitate there is a good reason to pay attention and make some adjustments . . . and those adjustments usually lead to exciting new directions.

Stink Face

Potty training, end of semester, storms storms and more storms, too much time in cramped closets, work, teaching, finalizing past car issues for the family  . . . .  Just bad timing and too little sleep.  But we know we are LUCKY to have so little to deal with so far compared to other families in our area dealing with large amounts of damage and loss.

Anyway, this stink face below from king little man really says it all about our attitude this week: 

Hoping for sunny simple spring days again soon.  :)

Back in Town

I left last Saturday for a 5 day conference.  It was in sunny Florida and the weather was beautiful.  However, I traveled without my family and I was quite sad about that.  It took me a day or so to get used to traveling on my own.  There was a lot of work to do while I was there - the conference was busy, I was traveling with a colleague (and it wasn't an easy trip for her either), and I really needed to keep up writing/prepping materials while I was traveling.  I continued to do a lot of thinking about what I "want" from a career and schedule . . .

I'm in SUCH a better position this spring than I was last spring.  Definitely a better attitude than last fall.  So even though I don't feel like it sometimes, I am making strides towards getting some things off my plate.  And I really only have 9 more months of the trifecta lifestyle to go (balancing home, school, and work).  My sister and I decided I have senorkitis (senioritis and burn out from work).  I am SO ready for more simplicity around here.  A simple schedule and fewer responsibilities with more time with the kiddos. 

Even though it has been a tear-filled week as I hit my "wall" this semester - I am attempting to think positive.  One positive from my trip was getting to take one late afternoon off to go to Universal studios.  Visiting an amusement park by yourself is a very different experience but the people watching is fabulous.  I lucked into a taping of the Ellen DeGeneres show while I was there.  I also got to see Kelly Clarkson perform and I was 100-200 feet from Ellen on stage.  I enjoyed a butterbeer in Hogsmeade.  It was a nice treat since everything else from the conference experience was work . . .

So the count down is on.  The end of the semester is May 12th.  My final project for my MPH is due mid-December.  I hope to go to part time hours January 2012. 

Here are some pics from the trip.  I decided to keep them positive as well  :)

I had no idea what I was about to see :)

Ellen is in blue, Kelly is right beside her

Entrance . . .

Butterbeer with Fish and Chips

The Semester Update

This semester of school is SO MUCH better than last year at the same time!  I completed a project Jan 20th that I can finally present on Feb 17th.  I know I keep mentioning this project but it fulfills a full course requirement - so one more class completed. :)

I am now taking only one (fairly intensive) on-line class as a student this semester.  While I was working on my project during the first part of January the on-line class got "side-lined" and I fell behind a little bit.  But last weekend I had an exam and I hit the ground running in "catch-up" mode after that.  Now I can move forward fairly steadily the rest of the semester.  It is so nice to take only one class!  I can't even explain how much easier it is on our family for me NOT to be in night classes every week. 

Work is busy.  I'm working on several sets of lectures for the classes I am teaching, a new journal article, a conference poster, and various other "regular" daily tasks.  The conference trip will be another trip alone because the timing doesn't work out for the kiddos and Disco to join me.  I wish they could be there for this one!  But it will be a good conference and I love working when I am not at the office - I get so much more accomplished with fewer distractions.

Thankfully some things I complete this semester will be huge "to do" items off my list.  I really think this will lead to a turning point this summer as far as my schedule goes.   I look forward to upcoming changes and at the same time I am fairly nervous about it.  Regardless, one way or another change is coming and I am welcoming new opportunities!  :)

Solving Problems

To say this was an unexpected or stressful week would be an understatement.  I didn't feel good all week (just sore and grumpy).  Disco got stuck with dealing with a SLOW insurance company, bad timing, and a grumpy wife.  The kiddos seemed to do well . . . except for little man staying up late one night for a puking party.  Much fun!

Anyway, we finally have a rental car for Disco.  So that has eased a bit of stress.  The wheels are in motion to fix his car (pardon the pun).  Even though it would have been nicer NOT to have a car accident this week at least we are finally moving in the right direction again.

AND . . . I finally told the leadership team for our project that I want to give up a responsibility at work.  Those were unexpected conversations this week as well - but we all have been talking "around" the issue for a while.  It is no secret that I've been struggling with balance issues this past year.  The problem was I just didn't know what "next step" to take.  Both women have been encouraging me to look into what I want to do for a while.  I finally just decided that even though I don't know what I WANT to do I definitely know what I DON'T want to do.  Thankfully I work on a project where there is some flexibility in job responsibilities.  It isn't a quick fix.  It might be 6 months to a year before I can make some changes we talked about today.  But getting the idea out there and the conversations started makes a big difference in my attitude . . .

Pink Friday

Thursday big sis was telling me all about what she needed to wear on Friday.  I can't remember how we got on the topic, but it was one of the first things she told me after school.  She started with "the boss teacher" telling the kids that they needed to wear a pink shirt and "if we don't have a whole pink shirt then any little pink would do."  My first question was "who is the boss teacher?"  Big sis had a hard time describing who that was . . . it wasn't her teacher or the teacher's aid or anyone from her after school program.  Finally we figured out it was her principal.  :) 

Then it hit me why the kids were asked to wear pink on what is normally their "school spirit" day.  It is PINK FRIDAY.  I was going to wear pink anyway because it is the beginning of our "race season" at work (I work on a breast cancer research project and October is national breast cancer awareness month).  So we all got into it since THE WHOLE STATE should be wearing pink this Friday.   Happy Pink Friday everyone!

Home Sweet Home

This weekend I flew out of state . . . for the first time in 5 years . . . without my family . . . and it was awesome!  Ok, so it was really for work.  But for some reason, when I was asked about going to this meeting, I didn't have the gut wrenching "omg" moment where I just wanted to lock myself up in my house with my family and never leave again.  So I think that is progress. 

Disco did some fancy juggling of kiddos and schedules and even the house was still standing when I arrived home.  It looked like a pack of wild monkeys took over while I was gone but I expected nothing less.  And even though I cleaned up a bit at first I eventually created even more mess once I got settled because of unpacked bags, fall decorations, and craft projects.  So today it looks about the same again. :)

I don't anticipate traveling a whole lot on my own.  But it was nice to see that I could do it again.  When I wasn't working I got to watch TV and read books in my hotel room, eat and drink what I wanted, skype with the kiddos, take up the WHOLE bed.  I missed these two little wild monkeys, though!

Simple Pleasures

Yesterday we tried a few more changes in our schedule.  Disco took over the dropoff routine with the kiddos and I got to work about 7am.  What a difference it made!!!  I am a morning person by nature but since we have had kids I have never been able to get "back into mornings."  That was due to a combo of things - staying up late to work or do homework after the kiddos go to bed, late nights with the kiddos (they both tend to be night owls and both still wake up once during the night sometimes), watching TV too late at night, etc.

But getting to work early was great!  We think we might be able to work that schedule out for three days a week. And it allowed me to leave as soon as my class was over in the afternoon.  Big sis was still in after care, but I picked her up earlier than usual.  We then loaded up little man and took off for some gelato.  Everyone hung around the house in the evening and we even got in some dance moves before bath time.  Each kiddo was sweet at bedtime (it really was the normal chaos that is bedtime but it was cute anyway).  Big sis has gotten into this habit of saying "mommy" in an 'i need something else before bedtime kind of voice' and then after I say "yes" she says "i love you".  Too sweet!!!

Schedules will all get worked out eventually - I am just glad we are making some progress adjusting to all of the changes.  I am also thankful for this sweet trio who make me smile on a daily basis!

A little delay . . .

Due to little man's return of "the fever" we will be postponing the next photo post.  He seemed a little out of sorts yesterday and we were concerned and then came "the fever."  Doctor's appointment tomorrow.

Big sis is adjusting well to her new situation with only minor issues (extreme exhaustion and lack of focus at the end of the day and a re-newed fear of being in ANY room alone - do you know how many ways that can impact your routine???).  But overall I have to say she is doing really well at the moment. 

The rest of us on the other hand . . . stress city!   Little man is pitiful when his fever spikes and all this illness is really wrecking his routine.  He is unsure of his new routine at school, gets anxious about going to daycare before we even leave the house, and then cries every day when we leave him.  Some days he is just fine after we leave and other days his teacher has commented that he "wasn't his usual self."  We know it is just a phase and that going on vacation, then being sick, then going back to school in a new classroom in a school without his big sis was just too much for our little two year old.  And obviously he STILL isn't 100% since his fever is back.

Little man's repeated illness issues are wearing me and Disco down as well.  It affects our sleep, our schedules (both work and school), and definitely our attitudes.  Both Disco and I are dealing with busy work schedules this fall and getting behind isn't helping either of us.  Plus classes this fall are already kicking my behind.  Teaching is going smoothly so far and the project team I work with is awesome - without those positives I don't know if I would have the energy to even show up every day!

I know these issues aren't big compared to what some of our friends are going through right now - my heart goes out to those strong women (you know who you are).  I know that these things will get better.  I know that I just need to say "NO" sometimes and simplify our schedules.  But sometimes I just want to document the realities of our current lives so that one day I can look back and think "wow, it wasn't really that bad" or "good grief, what was I thinking and how did I survive that".  I'm guessing it could go either way . . .based on my crappy attitude tonight!

Twas the Night Before PreK . . .

 . . . and all through the house chaos errupted (although nothing involved a mouse!). 

It was a busy day getting back to work/class right before big sis starts PreK.  Little man was AWESOME at drop off at daycare this morning and he walked into his class like a big boy and never even looked back.  No need for his mom to worry!

Big sis and I started the day off by running by my office.  She loved the extra attention from our team members and really had a good time.  It took a lot longer than I thought to get some things taken care of but we were able to squeeze in a quick trip to Target and eat lunch with catlady.  Then it was time for Disco to take over so I could attend class this afternoon.  I traded in my student role for teacher role afterward and stumbled through the syllabus with my new class of 7 (ugh, wish I could do THAT over!).

After work we got to meet big sis' teacher and tour her classroom.  Thankfully she is in class with 3 other little girls she knows and she took to her teacher immediately.  Big sis even came home and "fixed her hair pretty" for the big day tomorrow with Ms. C. 

Little man didn't feel so good at dinner.  But we quickly met aunt K to pick up our beloved fish Guster Pepper Lunchbox.  Snack, bath, bed. 

Favorite part of day - talking to big sis in her bed about her big day tomorrow.  It was a sweet conversation that I can't even remember now.  While she started to fall asleep I whispered in her ear "I believe in you" as usual.  When I moved to leave her room she rolled over and said "Momma, I want you" so I snuggled one more time with that sweet girl as she finally drifted off to sleep.  Sweet dreams baby girl!

This next pic is for Ms. Crafty herself!  I got inspired to fix a "bento-style" lunch for the first day of school. It started with the freak out big sis had about having carrots in her lunchbox.  The solution we agreed upon was to create "hair" carrots.  So . . . I took some extra time to fix her lunch tonight.  You know how long THAT will last in this house (might be the only bento-style lunch big sis ever gets).  But hey - gotta do something special for her first day! 

Big Sis' Lunch for the First Day of PreK

100,000 and counting . . .

Disco's car hit 100,000 on our latest adventure.  This past weekend we took yet another summer trip - this time for work.  I spent the weekend at a breast cancer conference in Branson.  So the kiddos, Disco, Aunt K, Gaga, and Bondo tagged along and spent time swimming in our hotel pool, eating, and shopping.  When I wasn't in the conference I joined them.

We all had a pretty good time!  However, it was "tax-free" weekend and the traffic was exceptionally AWFUL!!!  It was so bad that the conference organizers even announced that next year we would meet in July instead of August . . .

Late on Saturday, the girls did a little bit of "back to school" shopping at the outlet malls.  I wish big sis would have made it but she was WIPED out by that point in the day and had to get some rest at the hotel - next year she will join us for sure!.  Our favorite spot was Branson Landing which included shops, food, fountains and a trolley all located along the White River.  Of course the kiddos really enjoyed the trolley the best (see pics below).  Thanks again to Disco, Aunt K, Gaga and Bondo for making this a really fun weekend for the kiddos - they had a blast!!!

The Curse of the Tummy

Poor Aunt K. Every time she sees us lately she risks acquiring random bugs the kiddos pick up from school. We called her yesterday because we were bored and turns out she was sitting at home bored at that moment too. So she headed our way - all of us unaware that little man would be up all night puking. Sigh . . . I won't blame her if she avoids us because we carry THE PLAGUE this fall and winter. I can't remember a time when we haven't been sick every two weeks - maybe 2005 BEFORE we started this process called "building our family".

Little man is doing a bit better this morning. I love him! He has been playing on the couch next to me for 30 minutes while I take care of some work issues. It is wonderful when little things like the clutter covering our couch can be so entertaining. Soon he will be getting tired and need some more cuddle time. But for now we are just enjoying the company while we each complete our "tasks" (he reminds me every once in a while that his are more important).

We love you Aunt K! Sorry we exposed you, once again, to the curse of the tummy!

Creating Our Own Adventures

So the kiddos are recovering from the crud that invaded our house this past week. It wasn't the easiest week; we have tried to balance sick kiddos during busy work schedules, which has really brought on my mommy guilt. I fully admit that there are many times I wish I was a stay at home mom. I know there are pros and cons to that scenario as well but the grass is always greener . . .

I had to drag the kiddos up to the office one night this week and I was feeling especially down about being a working mom. And then we started walking up the ramp to my office and the kids had a blast hiding behind lights along the path. The "alligators" (elevators) were a special treat and my office was their play room. It was a grand adventure! And in the true spirit of the week - they grumped about leaving.

Our trip brought back memories of my own childhood and how I loved going to work with my parents during school breaks - there was always something cool to do. My mom would let my sister and I help her with the "folding machine" at her office - it would fold the Sunday bulletins. And we climbed all over anything we could find at dad's office, swept the floors with a huge shop broom, and explored the small grassy yard outside the building.

I really like my job, I can work a flexible schedule, and for the most part I can bring work home if necessary. I try to adjust my schedule so that I can spend extra time with the kiddos in different ways. It isn't perfect and I miss some nights and weekends with them (flexibility works both ways). So I may keep dreaming that we will win the lottery and I can become a stay at home mom. But as long as we create our own adventures while living a somewhat chaotic life I hope we will build some fond childhood memories for the kiddos.

New Year's Resolution

So a friend posted her New Year's Resolutions recently. Thought it was a great idea so here is what I am attempting this year.

Baby steps: I fail at exercise goals so often. And these last 15 lbs of baby weight aren't disappearing. I'm tired of finding gentle ways of telling people that "no, I am not pregnant - just haven't unloaded the residual baby weight". So instead of breaking down and buying new clothes just yet I am taking baby steps. 5 minutes of rowing as many days a week I can make it, walking with co-workers at lunch, and doing baby/toddler yoga when the kiddos and I need some sanity.

12 Month Goals: My work has a program where you do one healthy thing each month. Get a yearly physical, eye exam, or dental exam. Buckle your seat belt, begin an exercise program, bring your lunch to work, less fast food, drink more water, etc. At the end of 2009 there is a drawing for prizes. So I hope I make it all 12 months because it will be a good way to create healthy habits and who can pass up prizes?!? Maybe this accountability will be a good thing too.

Something just for me: I haven't figured out what this will be yet. Disco and I both have classes we have to take this spring (eternal students) and I barely keep my head above water juggling work, kids, Disco, and home as it is. So I want this to be something I look forward to and enjoy, something that does not become a chore or a disappointment when I can't get to it, and preferably free. It will require some more thought but I will figure it out soon.

So there it is - and with the new year around the corner I better find some motivation soon!

Missing genes

Today I had to give my first lecture since graduate school. Last year I made the leap from immunotherapy (of ovarian cancer) to molecular epidemiology (of breast cancer). More or less I moved from immunology to genetics. I love immunology. I loath genetics. It was a career move that made me think twice for sure. But I actually really like what I do - I spend more of my time managing details than talking about genetics.


I gave a speed lecture, a term I use to describe the result of my nerves mixed with my already fast speech pattern and the strong need for this lecture to be OVER - surprisingly no one had time to ask me questions. Score! I know it will get better - I am still getting used to the language of my new field and my new role.


On my drive home I thought of one of my favorite professors - an awesome mentor, teacher, fellow beer drinker, and friend. He passed away just after little man was born. I met him in college when I needed help starting my independent research project - and yes, it involved genetics! Little did I know that he would be a part of my future graduate school experience - a collaborator of my advisor and a large contributor to my project. We always laughed about the fact that his sheer enthusiasm for an experiment was what made it work! He had so much energy and was incredibly bright and creative. His sense of humor was priceless - he took the photo below at a meeting in Montreal we all attended. It took me a minute the first time I saw this to see the humor in it!
His perspective made him a good photographer and researcher. And his life was much too short. He was there when I began my research "career" (if you can call a college independent project such). And now I am moving forward. I am sure I could get all sappy and talk about how he is "watching me from above". But if that was the case, he would have a cigar in one hand and a beer in another cracking some joke with God. I miss his genes.